Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
