I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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