At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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