tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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