I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the night ended with taco bell and tears
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
