Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
