My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
