alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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