this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
