was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
