Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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