i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
