Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
