watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
