I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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