Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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