Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
