It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
