Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
