New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
