Your mouth is God's brothel.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
