I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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