Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize