Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
