My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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