His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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