they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
