I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
