youre lurking in front of me
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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