Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
