You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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