I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
