I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize