So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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