Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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