Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
