Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
