i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
