im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I didn't shave. On purpose
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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