If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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