Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
