my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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