Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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