four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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