I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
