when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
