If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
