I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
