I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
