People in love make me want to vomit
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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