Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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