there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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