I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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