Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
