If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
