so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
