bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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