my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
