I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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