Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
it was like eating out sand paper
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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