Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
