pop tarts are not kleenex
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
is that a dick in a sweater?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize